when u want to be friends with someone but you have no idea how to start a friendship with them and you’re just kinda like
I have a story.
So my sister got run over by a car once. It was a pretty big deal. Well like a year later she got into a little fender bender and was really bent out of shape about it, so I went and got her a cake.
When I put in my order for the cake, the guy at the bakery asked, “Do you want it to say anything?”
And with a perfectly straight face, I said, “‘Sorry you got hit by a car again.’”
He narrowed his eyes a moment, then nodded and wrote it down, and took it to kitchen to get the writing done.
All the way from the back of the kitchen, I hear a woman shout, “‘Again’?!”
when you type “waa” instead of “was”
So every morning I get off the train and start my 20 minute walk to work, and there’s this guy who’s always like 3 steps ahead of me and always beats me to the street corner bc I get stopped by the light and he passes it. but today I was ahead of him for the first time and he RUNS in front of me, turns around and goes “I’ve been winning for 2 months now, can’t stop now, have a good day, see you tomorrow.” tmrw I swear i’m wearing running shoes to work.
when a singer actually has an accent in a song you have to sing with that accent it’s just a rule ok
So I’m sure you recognize this as one of the epic moments from “The Prince of Egypt” where we see the super majestic whale as they cross through the Red Sea. However I noticed just one little issue: whale tales don’t move from side to side, they move up and down. And then it hit me, that’s not a whale. That’s not a whale. It’s a motherfucking SHARK. A BIG ASS MEGALODONIAN SHARK. WAITING IN THE WATER TO EAT THE PHARAOH’S SOLDIERS. Goddamn, Dreamworks.
when i was
a young boy
took me into the citayy
to seee a marching band
listen here u lil shit
don’t make a fuckin band and get famous and break up after 12 years
the beaten and the damned
Peter Capaldi to Steven Moffat:
"no one can love you until you love yourself"
that is complete bullshit
don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve love from other people because you struggle with loving yourself
THIS EVERYONE FUCKING READ THIS NOW.
phrases like “i’ll be the distraction you go on ahead without me” generally do not have a tendency to end well
"i’ll catch up with you" no. no you probably won’t
"we’ll talk about this later" there is no later
"it’ll be alright" not for you since you just said that and doomed yourself
my history professor told me today that he “likes the way I look vaguely pissed off” during class
Happy Little Pill- Troye Sivan